Becoming parents changes so much more than our daily routines. It can change the way we see ourselves, our relationships, our priorities and even the things we thought we knew about each other.
There are two words I think every expecting couple should know before their baby arrives: matrescence and patrescence.
What Is Matrescence?
Matrescence is the physical, emotional, psychological and social transition into motherhood.
The term was introduced by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s and is often compared to adolescence because of the enormous changes involved.
Just as we expect teenagers to experience shifts in their bodies, identities and relationships, becoming a mother involves a period of significant adjustment.
You might find yourself feeling completely in love with your baby while also missing the freedom and spontaneity of your old life. You might crave some time alone, only to find yourself missing your baby the moment someone else takes them for a cuddle.
Or perhaps you're surprised by how much your priorities, friendships and sense of identity begin to change. This is part of matrescence. You're getting to know your baby, but you're also getting to know yourself as their mother.
What Is Patrescence?
Patrescence describes the transition into fatherhood.
While fathers don't experience the same physical changes associated with pregnancy and birth, becoming a dad can bring significant emotional, psychological and social changes of its own.
Research suggests that fathers can also experience changes in brain activity and hormonal patterns as they become involved in caring for their babies.
But beyond the biology, there's an enormous identity shift happening.
You might suddenly feel a greater sense of responsibility, find yourself thinking differently about work and family life, or begin reflecting on your own childhood and the kind of father you want to be. You might feel excited about becoming a dad while also wondering how your relationship, friendships and independence will change.
And just like matrescence, patrescence isn't something that happens overnight. It's a transition that continues as you get to know your baby and grow into your role as a father.
You're Both Changing, but Not Always in the Same Way
I think this is such an important conversation for couples to have during pregnancy.
You're about to share one of the biggest experiences of your lives, but you won't necessarily experience it in the same way.
One parent might be navigating physical recovery, feeding and the intensity of being needed around the clock, while the other is adjusting to new responsibilities, supporting their partner and finding their own relationship with the baby.
You might both be exhausted, emotional and craving connection, but need very different things from each other. And sometimes, the person you knew so well before having a baby might feel a little different as you both adjust to these new versions of yourselves.
Will Having a Baby Really Change Your Lifestyle?
I think so many couples go into parenthood adamant that having a baby won't change their lifestyle.
They'll still travel, go out for dinner, see their friends and do all the things they've always loved doing. They'll just bring the baby along.
And for some families, that works beautifully. They find ways to incorporate their baby into the life they've already created and continue doing many of the things they love.
Others look back and laugh at how convinced they were that nothing would change, because the reality of having a baby turned out to be quite different from what they'd imagined.
And then there are the parents who discover that they actually want things to change.
Perhaps those busy weekends don't feel quite as appealing anymore, or staying home on a Saturday night feels more enjoyable than going out. Maybe your priorities around work, friendships, travel or how you spend your time begin to shift.
Sometimes it's not just about accommodating your baby's needs. It's about recognising that your own needs and desires are changing as you become parents.
I think that's such an important part of matrescence and patrescence to understand. You don't have to hold on to every part of your old life to prove that becoming parents hasn't changed you, and you don't have to give up everything you love either.
You get to discover what works for your family as you grow into this new season together.
