Every year, thousands of families experience the devastating loss of a baby, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. The grieving process is deeply personal and complex, often leaving mothers feeling isolated and unsure of how to navigate the overwhelming emotions while also recovering physically from birth.
In honour of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, we are sharing 6 ways that friends, family, and professionals can offer support to mothers during this time. Earlier this month, we shared an interview as part of our Postpartum Stories Series with Caz Butler on Postpartum after Loss. If you haven’t already, I highly recommend taking the time to read Caz’s heartfelt, honest, and deeply moving story. Caz shares so much wisdom that we have also woven into this article.
We acknowledge that every grieving mother will have her own story, process, needs, and expectations, and we can’t speak for all mothers. What we do know is that all mothers who experience the loss of a baby, regardless of gestation, will become postpartum, and as a community, we need to honour and support their postpartum recovery. Below, we explore compassionate ways to support grieving mothers on this journey.
The first and most important step in supporting a mother who has lost a baby is acknowledging her loss. It can feel difficult or uncomfortable to know what to say, but avoiding the topic can leave the mother feeling even more isolated. Acknowledge her baby’s life, use the baby’s name if she has shared it, and offer a simple, heartfelt expression of sorrow, such as, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Caz’s Reflection:
“I shared my birth story with anyone who would listen. Having no baby in my arms, I think I wanted to create her as a reality for others whenever I could.”
Recognising the baby’s existence is crucial. Avoid phrases like “everything happens for a reason” or “at least you can try again.” These platitudes, although well-meaning, can invalidate the mother’s grief. Instead, allow her to express her feelings and validate the depth of her loss.
Many grieving women share that people around them often tiptoe around mentioning their baby, either by name or at all. They worry they might trigger the mother’s emotions by bringing up the baby. The reality is that grieving mothers are never not thinking of their baby, and it’s important to acknowledge them and allow a grieving mother the space to talk and share. If she doesn’t want to, she will make it clear.
Caz’s Insight:
“Follow their lead. If they don’t want to talk about it, move on! We are more than just the mother of our lost child. We still like to laugh and joke. We still like to talk about other things. Goss with us, talk about your own stuff (maybe don’t go too hard on this one, haha!) Allow us to be normal.”
Even though a mother has experienced the heartbreaking loss of her baby, her body is still in postpartum recovery, and she needs to be cared for physically as well as emotionally. This includes mothers who experience miscarriages, missed miscarriages, or stillbirths. Encourage and facilitate rest, nourishing foods, and to listen to her body as it heals. Postpartum recovery is a time to nurture the body and a postpartum body that is grieving requires additional delicate care. We know that both pregnancy AND grief have profound impacts on the brain and so a mother needs to be held delicately and with lots of understanding. As a family member see how much of the postpartum care you can facilitate without it adding to the mental load or overwhelm of the grieving mothers.
Remind her that it’s okay to seek postpartum care from professionals such as doulas, nutritionists, or women’s health physios. These services can help her feel supported physically, even as she navigates her emotional grief. Postpartum care is essential for healing, and this can range from warm meals, herbal teas, and rest to bodywork such as massage or acupuncture, birth debriefs and therapy.
Caz’s Insight:
‘My number one tool in the early days in particular – when booking appointments I always emailed ahead or added a note explaining that I had lost my daughter at full term, so that I didn’t need to say it for the first time in person.’
Practically speaking, some mothers may wish to get on the front foot with healing their bodies and preparing for future pregnancies, if that’s in their plan. Caz notes that postpartum care can also become preconception care, as many mothers who experience loss may plan to become pregnant again soon.
Caz’s Reflection:
“It is a difficult road, and what is right for one person will absolutely not fit for everyone. Some mothers lean into more practical care, others prefer a ‘woo woo’ approach. The important thing is to honour the mother and the grief in whatever way feels right for her.”
“There’s a high chance that the woman is going to want to be pregnant again soon. This is not the case for everyone, but it’s a possibility. If this is the case, then she definitely should be caring for her body. Postpartum care becomes preconception care and is so important because we’re now looking ahead to a future postpartum.”
Whether it’s tending to the body for healing in the present or for future pregnancies, gentle postpartum care is crucial. This includes taking care of mental health, physical recovery, and hormonal shifts.
It’s also essential to note that all the usual postpartum symptoms apply to mothers who experience loss. Whether they had a stillbirth or miscarriage, mothers often experience milk coming in, postpartum bleeding, afterpains, hormonal shifts, and baby blues. These physical reminders of pregnancy and birth can be especially painful after loss, and acknowledging this helps to provide better support.
It’s also essential to note that all the usual postpartum symptoms apply to mothers who experience loss. Whether they had a stillbirth or miscarriage, mothers often experience milk coming in, postpartum bleeding, afterpains, hormonal shifts, and baby blues. These physical reminders of pregnancy and birth can be especially painful after loss, and acknowledging this helps to provide better support.
“Knowing that all the usual postpartum things apply to the mother of a stillborn child—their milk will come in and the afterpains of the uterus contracting back to size are two particularly insulting things after loss. The baby blues may hit. Brain fog and rage can both be symptoms of grief and postpartum.”
Mothers should be reminded to seek postpartum care that includes a 6-week check-up, ideally with someone who is looking for optimal health ranges. Blood tests, mental health support, and physical recovery should all be part of the care plan.
Grief is not something that can be fixed, and offering emotional support means holding space for the complex range of feelings that come with loss—sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, or even numbness. The best thing you can do is simply listen. Avoid trying to make things better or rushing the grieving process.
Let the mother know that you’re there to support her, no matter how messy the emotions may be. It’s okay to sit in silence or cry with her. Offering unconditional support without judgement is one of the most valuable things you can do.
Caz’s Reflection:
“One of the most touching messages I received was from someone who simply said, ‘It’s just so f***ing unfair.’ Hearing it put so bluntly actually lightened my mood more than anything else.”
Sometimes, acknowledging the unfairness of it all can be more helpful than trying to find a silver lining. Allowing the mother to feel and express her grief fully is a form of validation that can offer comfort.
Grieving can be physically and emotionally exhausting, and mothers who have recently given birth may still be in the process of physical recovery. Offering to take on practical tasks like meal preparation, household chores, or childcare for older children can provide immense relief. Organise a meal train, drop off groceries, or help with simple chores around the house.
Practical support, especially during the early days of grief, can give the mother space to rest and begin her healing journey without the added stress of managing daily tasks.
If you are close to the grieving mother I would encourage you to take charge with these practical tasks without always asking what you can do to help. You don’t want to step on any toes but there are so many little jobs you can do without having to add to the overwhelm or mental load of the grieving mother. Showing up with a warm meal instead of asking what she would like to eat and liaising with her partner for other basic tasks and jobs.
Both parents are deeply affected by the loss of a baby, and the experience can take a toll on each in different ways. It’s important to acknowledge that partners will also be struggling with their own emotions while feeling the pressure to support the grieving mother. In fact, 1 in 10 men experience postpartum depression (PPD) or postpartum anxiety (PPA), but this often goes unrecognised or untreated.
One reason for this is that men and women often express their grief and depression differently. While women usually experience peak symptoms of postpartum depression around two to three months after birth, men tend to show peak symptoms later, often within the first year. Additionally, while women may show signs of crying, hopelessness, loss of interest, and guilt, men often express their grief through anger, irritability, or risk-taking behaviours. Because these symptoms look different from the traditional signs of depression, a father’s mental health struggles may go unnoticed.
While the focus is often on the mother’s recovery, it’s important to also offer support to the father or partner, who may feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of “holding it together” for everyone else.
Practical Steps to Support the Couple:
One of the most meaningful ways to support a grieving mother is to create space for her to remember her baby. Whether through a small memorial, lighting a candle, planting a tree, or writing a letter, giving her the opportunity to honour the life of her baby can help her process her grief.
You can offer to help with a remembrance ceremony or simply sit with her as she reflects. Let her know that her baby’s life is remembered and valued. There are amazing charities and not for profits who work with families after loss like heartfelt who offer photographic memories for families after stillbirth.
Caz’s Suggestion:
“And then there are the other things to honour your child that are all on the table—a memorial, sharing your story, potentially writing down as much of it as you remember. A closing of the bones is another beautiful thing.”
Honouring the baby’s life can take many forms, and whatever feels meaningful for the mother should be supported. There may be things a mother wants to do to honour her baby that feel too difficult or hard and as a village, you can help facilitate these.
Supporting a mother through pregnancy and infant loss is about acknowledging her grief, being present without judgement, being fluid and flexible to her needs and providing practical help during a time of deep emotional pain. This includes recognising the partner’s grief and supporting both parents in their journey. Every family’s experience is different, and the most important thing you can do is offer love and space for healing, without expectations or timelines.
If you or a loved one has experienced loss, you can find additional support and resources through
Red Nose , The Pink Elephants and Here. We are so deeply sorry for your loss.
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